Cow Whisperer

I've recently been given access to a lot of free time, and so I thought I should start writing down some of the sure-fire get rich quick schemes that have crossed my mind lately.   As the title suggests, this one is about becoming a Cow Whisperer.

Everyone has heard of Horse Whisperers, and Dog Whispers, those guys whose special bond with and insight into the animals' minds allows them to promote and develop those animals' relationships with their owners and with other animals.  I've often wondered how that works, and I've often been amazed at what looks like evidence that it DOES work.  This isn't that...which could be another post, "CBC Radio's New Fall Lineup".  I digress.

This idea came to me on the way to a tasty dinner on Commercial Drive.  My friend and I were walking towards the restaurant and happened to pass by a popular local butcher's shop.  There was a small but passionate group of animal rights activists holding a protest in front of the shop, led by a dynamic young woman with a bullhorn.  As usual, I attempted to pay no attention, but then my attention was caught by this strident declaration:  "THERE IS NO HUMANE WAY TO KILL AN ANIMAL THAT DOESN'T WANT TO DIE!"

I was amazed - I had always kind of half thought that there were two main issues: either that the way beef and other meat is raised and brought to market makes it very unhealthy to eat, or that it's simply wrong to eat other animals.  In a flash, here was another alternative, maybe even one that dealt with both those concerns in one heavenly stroke:  only eat animals that WANT to die!  Then the question becomes "How can you tell whether an animal that seems healthy enough to eat might actually want to die?"

Enter the Cow Whisperer...or the Sheep, or the Chicken, or the Pig Whisperer.  Enlist the aid of the Whisperer, someone blessed with the ability to look deep into the bovine soul and determine that a given animal would rather die than be bossed around by Farmer Brown for even one more day.  Given that this wouldn't be a training or obedience exercise, there would be pretty much no way for a layman to detect the outcome of the whispered communication - only the Cow Whisperer could convey the animal's secret wishes.  It might turn out that whole herds of animals that happened to have reached the right size and age for human consumption might share a collective wish to die.  Only the Cow Whisperer could really know.

Think of it!  Farmer Brown could look the purchasing company in the eye and declare that the cows he's selling can be consumed without scruple or guilt by anyone, because they've been certified as Wanted to Die.  Packing plants would be sure and print that declaration on the wrapping, just like when Mars Bars were labeled as having "No trans fats!".  Imagine the giant cloud of guilt and angst that would lift from the world, knowing that the meat they eat was once an animal that was okay with being killed and eaten.  Imagine all the fields in all the countries currently growing lentils and bulgar that could be pressed into use for new Walmarts.  Imagine if this were your idea, and you had cornered the market on turning terrified, oppressed, abused farm animals into willing participants in the modern Circle of Life, and made a couple of bucks for every animal certified by one of the people YOU certified as able to make that determination.

Because of course, that's what you'd do.  You'd develop and copyright a secret training process that turns ordinary people like farm owners into Certified Cow Whisperers.  You'd patent the symbol that becomes the standard for recognizing whether it's morally okay to eat something.  You'd branch out, and develop similar yet different programs to certify people as being able to Whisper to every form of animal that people anywhere want to kill and eat, or even just eat.  In time, to be thorough, you'd branch out into plant life, certifying Wheat or Corn Whisperers who would be trained on how to stand in front of 500 or so acres of plants and sense from their collective life vibration that they're ready to be made into bread or pizza dough.

I'm pretty sure that this would end up as a bio pic starring Jeff Bridges, too.  I don't think a Nobel Prize is out of the question, for The Relief of Human Suffering.